Broken.

You want the truth? You wanna know how I’ve been feeling and what’s been happening since treatment ended? Ok. But you HAVE to promise me you won’t tell me “it will be ok” or “just be positive”. Because I’ve heard those things. And right now it’s NOT ok. Will it be eventually? Probably. But right now it’s not so please if you want to do anything at all, just be present and support me.

I thought the worst was over when my mucositis went away and I could start eating again. No more radiation. Less appointments. Yay! But I was so, so wrong.

Turns out, I’ve been harboring all of this fear and depression and guilt and anger and anxiety and I never really let it out during treatment because I was too sick to care (and on a MASSIVE amount of pain meds). And this week it decided to really just explode on me.

I’ve been generally more depressed for awhile because Winter (see previous post). But the last week or so has been rough in other ways. My friend was on life support and seeing him get suctioned triggered a panic attack in me. Had no idea that would happen. Then, I found out a woman I have followed on Instagram since my diagnosis has just gone on hopsice for her terminal cancer. She’s younger than me. Add to that my first PET scan was this week and I’ve been having new not fun symptoms I assume are a byproduct of radiation and I’m legit poor and need to figure out what a broken nurse can do for work… and here I am, having a complete meltdown today.

*Waves white flag* I give up. I broke. You win, universe. I thought I could be strong and had become this super woman with positive yet realistic outlooks and I could face it all with a smile. But I am broken. I need help to get back up and be me again. Or new me. Or whoever the hell I’m supposed to be now. Just not this woman. I can’t continue like this. I don’t want to be sad and angry and bitter and anxious every waking moment. I just want to go back to being happy.